What is persistent sexual arousal syndrome?

Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS) is a medical condition where a woman experiences "spontaneous, intrusive and unwanted" feelings of arousal in the genital area without sexual desire. PSAS can continue for days or months, is not abated by sexual activity, and causes distraction and psychological distress in sufferers. Congratulations, ladies. Now you know what it's like to be a man.

Sexually transmitted disease in a monogamous couple is possible

The sudden appearance of a sexually transmitted disease (STD) in a monogamous couple does not necessarily indicate infidelity by either partner. Some infections can lie dormant for years after initial exposure. That's what I told my wife right before she hit me. I guess she wasn't convinced.

A condom inside your wallet is a bad idea

Keeping a condom in your wallet is a bad idea. The constant friction and temperature changes can create microscopic tears in the condom that allow sperm to get through. No one who carries a condom in his wallet should be procreating anyway, at least not until he finishes high school.

Oral contraceptives are less effective in obese women

A recent study comparing the effectiveness of oral contraceptives as they relate to body mass index (BMI) shows that obese or overweight women are up to 70 percent more likely to experience contraception failure and resulting pregnancy than women of average weight. Fortunately, obese people start with the most effective contraceptive of all: obesity.

Twenty percent of men have premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation is the most commonly reported sexual dysfunction in men, affecting one in five. Some researchers attribute the problem to unhealthy masturbation habits and sexual insecurities. Don't confuse premature ejaculation with premature evacuation-being so nervous about sex that you crap yourself.

Maybe you have sexual dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction, which includes erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, dyspareunia (vaginal pain during intercourse), low sexual desire, and other conditions, occurs in 31 percent of men and 43 percent of women. Men, if you experience vaginal pain during intercourse, talk to your gynecologist. Or a shrink.

Have you experienced dry orgasms or retrograde ejaculations?

Some men can experience retrograde ejaculation, or "dry orgasms," when semen travels backwards into the bladder instead of being expelled. The illness can be congenital, or caused by medications, diabetes, or damage to nerves and muscles that control the opening of the bladder. It isn't harmful, but it can cause male infertility. You'd think that any orgasm would be good. You'd be wrong.

At what age will andropause start?

Andropause, a male form of menopause, can affect men over forty. The condition, which can affect mood, memory, and overall health, is marked by a decline in testosterone production, as well as fatigue, depression, and sexual problems. Some call these conditions U being over forty.

Five million men have low testosterone

The FDA estimates that 4 to 5 million men suffer from low testosterone, but that only 5 percent of them seek treatment. Testosterone production declines naturally with age, and at least one study suggests that the condition can shorten a man's life span. Yeah, well, what's the point of living without a sex drive?

Fat people have poor semen quality

Overweight men are more likely to have poor semen quality. But fat guy sperm are jovial and mischievous, and always good for a laugh.

Males can have yeast infections too

Yeast infections aren't just a problem for women; men can get them, too, as a result of prolonged antibiotic use, diabetes, an impaired immune system, or, in rare cases, from unprotected sex with a partner who has a yeast infection. But men already scratch their junk all the time, so no big deal.

Do you experience sexual headaches?

We've all heard the jokes, but sexual headaches are a real illness that affects about one in 100 people, either as a dull ache in the neck and head that builds with sexual excitement, or as a sudden and/or severe headache during orgasm. Don't tell my wife about this one, either.

Semen allergy is called human seminal plasma hypersensitivity

Some women are allergic to their male partner's semen, a condition known as human seminal plasma hypersensitivity. Sufferers complain of symptoms such as wheezing, itching, hives, swelling, chest tightness, vomiting, and diarrhea. Severe reactions can cause loss of consciousness and even death from anaphylactic shock. God, don 't tell my wife about this condition. She 's just looking for an excuse.

What is autoerotic asphyxia?

One study reports that autoerotic asphyxia, or cutting off oxygen to the brain to achieve greater sexual satisfaction, claims the lives of 500-1,000 men in this country each year. Would someone please tell these guys that "choking the chicken" is just an expression?

Can a penis get fractured?

Although the penis is not a bone, it can still be fractured. A fracture can occur when the erect penis endures blunt trauma during sexual intercourse or other physical activity. A cracking sound can be heard, followed by pain and swelling that causes the shape of the penis to become distorted. Surgery is often required to repair the damage. Every man reading this just clenched his legs together.

Can a penis get fractured?

Although the penis is not a bone, it can still be fractured. A fracture can occur when the erect penis endures blunt trauma during sexual intercourse or other physical activity. A cracking sound can be heard, followed by pain and swelling that causes the shape of the penis to become distorted. Surgery is often required to repair the damage. Every man reading this just clenched his legs together.

How many Americans have erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects approximately 18 million American men. If my name were Ed, I'd be pissed that they call this ED. Especially if I had it.

Sleeping with a friend's lover

In an international survey, 14 percent of people admit to having slept with a friend's lover behind his (or her) back. The trick is to be very quiet and pray he doesn't roll over.

How many men would have sex for cash?

Two out of three men say they would have sex for cash, and 16 percent of them would do it for $ 150 or less. The third guy is lying.

Sex with a cousin?

Eight percent of people admit to having sex with a cousin, and six percent confess to doing it with a sibling or half-sibling. Hard to say what's more troubling: the fact that they do it or that they admit it.

Would you tell if you were HIV positive?

12 percent of men surveyed say they would not tell a partner if they were HIV-positive. At least not until after they've had sex. That would just kill the mood.

How many sexually active adults have been tested for HIV?

Only 15 percent of sexually active adults have been tested for HIV, says the National Center for Health Statistics. The other 85 percent are certain they don't have it. No, really, there's no way they could possibly have it, so why bother with that annoying condom?

Who uses dating personal ads?

Of people who use dating personal ads, 35 percent are married. Hey, we all forget things sometimes.

What would you do just to have sex?

Two out of three middle class nineteen-year-old males confess to having gotten a date drunk to coerce her into having sex. Two out of five have used verbal intimidation, and almost one in five have used force or threats. Nearly 60 percent of female college students say that they have had intercourse against their will. The rest of us just worked the pity angle. Tears are surprisingly effective at getting a girl in bed.

A lot of Americans have genital herpes

Up to 20 percent of Americans have genital herpes, which has no cure and is easily transmitted through sexual contact. Genital herpes: the gift that keeps on giving.

At what age does the human brain stop growing?

The human brain stops growing at the age of eighteen. Probably because most eighteen-year-olds know everything by then. If you don't believe me, ask them.

Lack of sleep or lack of food?

A person can live without eating for weeks, but will only survive eleven days without sleep. People around those who haven't slept, however, will only survive a day or two.

Do females secrete smegma or is it exclusive for males?

Smegma is a white, foul-smelling, cheese-like secretion sometimes found under the foreskin in males and around the clitoris in females. Smegma is produced by body oils and the bacteria that feed on them. Some studies have suggested a link between smegma and penile and cervical cancer. You had me at "cheese-like."

Fecal vomiting is not a myth

Copremesis, or fecal vomiting, is not a myth: a bowel obstruction can cause feces to be drawn into the stomach from the intestine by spasmodic contractions of the gastric muscles, which the stomach then attempts to expel through vomiting. That explains some people's breath.

Diagnoses of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder are rising

Diagnoses of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) have risen by 9 million new cases in the last ten years, and the condition now affects 4- 12 percent of American children. Researchers also discovered that - hey, look, a seagull!

Occurrence of diabetes in children is increasing

The occurrence of Type 2 Diabetes in children, once unheard of, has risen 45 percent in this country in the last ten years, largely due to soaring obesity rates among our kids. Too bad they don't let kids play dodgeball in school anymore. They'd have a lot more targets than when I was a kid.

Newborns with teeth?

About 1 in 2,000 babies is born with teeth. If the teeth are membranous, they will be reabsorbed into the body. If fixed firmly, don't remove them, or no other teeth will reappear in their place until the permanent teeth start to come in at age six or seven. It's easy to spot a baby with teeth. He's the one drinking from a bottle instead of breastfeeding.

How many scents can your nose remember?

Your nose can remember 50,000 different scents. So, unlike a dog, once you sniff someone's crotch, you'll remember the smell and won't have to sniff them again later. That's a good thing, because sticking your nose in someone's crotch is a good way to get thrown out of a bar, trust me.

Babies don't have kneecaps

Babies are born without kneecaps sort of. They have cartilage in their kneecaps which does not Ossify into bone until 3-5 years of age. This explains why infants are notorious gamblers. They don't have to worry about having their kneecaps broken if they don't pay their bookies.

How many brain cells do you lose each day?

The average human loses 85,000 brain cells each day, but only regenerates 50 new ones. Which is a lot like my 401(k)- except for the regenerating part.

What are goose bumps for?

Goose bumps are caused by piloerection, a fight-or-flight reflex that once made us seem bigger to predators and kept us warm by making our hair stand straight up. We lost the fur in evolution, but not the reflex. And I'm okay with that. If I get cold, I'd rather put on a sweater than be a sweater.

Marital discord makes wounds heal more slowly

Research suggests that marital discord makes wounds heal more slowly. A recent study showed that couples with consistently hostile behaviors healed at a 40 percent slower rate than low-hostility couples. Which means you're gonna have that shoe mark on your forehead for a while, bud.

Urine is cleaner than saliva

Believe it or not, fresh urine is cleaner than saliva or your facial skin. Healthy urine is sterile and contains little or no bacteria when it leaves your body. Being cleaner than spit isn't really a bragging point.

City people have more ear wax

People who live in big cities make more ear wax. Ah, okay. No wonder big city folks never stop when I try to ask them for directions. They can't hear me. Whew! I was starting to think maybe they were just assholes.

How many people pick their noses?

Seventy percent of people admit to picking their nose; 30 percent of those confess to eating what they picked. 100 percent of people admit to puking when they read that.

How much snot do you swallow?

The average human swallows about a quart of snot every day. What's really cool is when you can hear people sucking it out of their sinuses and swallowing. I love that sound, especially in restaurants.

Can a human liver grow back?

The human liver performs no fewer than 500 different functions. If a portion of it were removed, the liver would continue to work and would rapidly grow back to its normal size. Well, depending on the size of the portion. Don't go lopping off huge chunks of your liver to give away, okay?

How big is an "Extreme Gulp"

An "Extreme Gulp" drink sold at 7-11 convenience stores has twice as much liquid as the average human stomach can hold. Which is why no one holds it. And why I sit on the end of the row at the movies.

Saliva swimming pool

Your body produces enough saliva during your lifetime to fill two swimming pools. Luckily, most swimming pools are already filled with saliva, so yours isn't needed.

Fart atomic bomb

Continuous farting for six years and nine months would create energy equal to that of an atomic bomb. I need to hook my child up with the Defense Department.

1/4 cup of foot sweat

The 250,000 pores that exist on the soles of the feet secrete almost 1/4 cup of sweat every day. Oh, is that all? No wonder they smell so good.

One cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life

The British Medical Journal has estimated that smoking one cigarette takes eleven minutes off the life of an average person. Too bad those eleven minutes don't disappear right as you're smoking, say, during The English Patient.

Single-celled human

All humans exist for half an hour as a single cell at conception. Some of us stay that way.

Less sleep can cause obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease

Less sleep disturbs normal metabolism, which contributes to obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. People who averaged just five hours of sleep a night also showed a higher level of ghrelin, a hormone the stomach releases to signal hunger. People who average just five hours of sleep a night also show a higher level of ghrouch, a hormone that makes you want to kick someone's ass when they say, "You look tired."

How many cells in our bodies are actually human?

Only 10 percent of the cells in our bodies are actually human. The rest are the 90 trillion bacteria that live on or in us, covering our bodies from head to toe. Only 5 percent of the cells in Christopher Walken's body are actually human. The rest are from an alien world.

Skin flakes contain bacteria

Humans shed about 1.5 million skin flakes every hour. Bath sponges and washcloths can be filled with these flakes and their accompanying Staphylococcus aureus, a common skin bacteria that can cause infection if it ends up in the wrong part of the body. In other words, don't wash your crack with someone else's loofa unless you want to spend the next six months scratching it.

You most likely have asymmetrical breasts

More than 90 percent of women have asymmetrical breasts. While most asymmetry is slight and inconspicuous, women with significantly mismatched breasts can suffer mental and emotional anguish. Especially if you call them "Feldmans" or ask if one breast is adopted.

Male breast cancer?

Breast cancer isn't just a women's disease. Men can get it, too, though they do so much less frequently, about one man for every 100 women. Also, unlike women, men typically only get the disease after age fifty. Sounds to me like a good excuse to go into the mobile mammography bus and scope out some bare boobs.

Do you have extra nipples?

Some people are born with extra nipples (polythelia) or even extra breasts (polymastia). Extra or "accessory" breasts are most commonly found in the armpits, but can develop anywhere along mammary ridges, which extend from the armpits to the upper thighs. And, by the way, we still don't know why men have a mammary ridge, just that they do. "I have nipples, Focker. Are you gonna milk me ? " - Meet the Parents.

Soccer and cardiac death

A study in Germany found an increase in sudden cardiac death on days that the German soccer team was playing in the World Cup championship. If they ever win one, that number will go up, as thousands more Germans will die of shock.

Strong emotions can lead to sudden cardiac death

Strong positive or negative emotions - ecstasy, grief, excitement can lead to sudden cardiac death via ventricular fibrillation (irregular heartbeat), as in the case of people who have died during sexual intercourse or when frightened. Or when frightened during sexual intercourse, which happens more often than you might think. At least it does to me.

What is being "scared to death"?

Being "scared to death" can happen. The body's protective mechanism, the fight-or-flight response, pumps adrenaline into the blood, causing the nervous system to increase blood flow to muscles, dilate the pupils and, in some cases, evacuate the bowels. But adrenaline is toxic in large amounts and can cause death if it floods the heart unchecked. So being "scared shitless " isn't just hyperbole, either.

10 million new sperm cells

Male testicles create 10 million new sperm cells every day, enough to repopulate the planet in just six months. Some men try, too.

You have 5 million hairs

By the time you're an adult, you're likely to have about 5 million hairs growing out of your skin-the same number as a gorilla, or Robin Williams.

Bladder softball

When full, the bladder expands to roughly the same size as a softball. But it feels like a basketball, made of lead.

What types of bacteria do you have?

The types of bacteria in the human mouth vary among the world's population. North Americans, South Americans, and Swedes harbor different bacteria. I think I need to swap spit with a Swedish woman so we can compare bacteria.

What is the most unsanitary part of your entire body?

There are over 700 species of bacteria that thrive in the thirty-three square inches of the average mouth, making it the most unsanitary part of your entire body. Surely the rectum runs a close second.

Human saliva's pH

Human saliva helps keep the mouth's pH balance slightly alkaline. If it didn't, the mouth would create an acidic environment that would rot away your teeth. If the acid is that strong, you won't need teeth.

How many eggs can the ovaries generate?

Though female ovaries generate almost half a million eggs, only about 400 of them will ever get the chance to be fertilized. It's like being called for jury duty, except the eggs probably don't sit there whispering to themselves, "Please don't pick me, please don't pick me."

What is a skin used to treat burn patients?

The postage stamp-sized foreskin from a circumcised baby takes just twenty-one days to grow enough skin to cover three basketball courts. Such laboratory-grown skin is used to treat burn patients. This is why you should never call a burn victim "dickhead." You could be right.

How hot is your body?

The average human body radiates enough heat in thirty minutes to boil two pints of water. But only if you're not looking. A watched body won't boil.

How dirty is your skin?

You can find 20 million microscopic animals living on a square inch of human skin. Skin sounds like Tokyo.

How far can your blood squirt?

The pressure exerted by a pumping human heart can squirt blood thirty feet. Research is limited, though, so if you ever lose a limb unexpectedly, grab a tape measure and see how far your blood squirts before you pass out and die. Don't forget to write it down, too.

How much do we grow during sleep?

We grow in our sleep, and wake up every morning about eight millimeters taller than the night before. However, we return to our former height as gravity compresses our cartilage discs back into place throughout the next day. It's like "morning wood" for the entire body.

What is the largest organ in the human body?

The skin is the largest organ in the human body, covering about twenty square feet in an adult male. It also constantly regenerates; a person sheds around forty pounds of skin in his lifetime. Some people can shed it all at once by just shaking their dandruff-ridden heads.

Boy without testosterone

If a boy is born without testosterone, his genitalia will mimic that of a female: the scrotum forms labia majora-the outer lips of a vagina-and the penis becomes a sort of clitoris. That's the guy you don 't want to tell to go fuck himself, because he might try.

How powerful is the stomach acid?

The acid in your stomach is so powerful that it can dissolve a razor blade in less than a week. You should still be careful when eating them, though.

What does the stomach lining do everyday?

The human stomach must produce a new lining every day to protect itself from its own acid. Which somehow reminds me of Groucho Marx's quote, "I don't care to belong to any club that would have me as a member."

Where do pubic lice live?

While pubic lice primarily infect pubic hair, they can also be found in thigh, chest, and facial hair, including eyelashes. How pubic lice might end up on one's face I will leave to you to deduce.

Damn if you sneeze, damn if you don't

If you sneeze hard enough, you can fracture a rib. But try to suppress a sneeze and you might rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and drop dead. If you try to suppress a fart and a sneeze at the same time, you could blow your head off like a champagne cork.

Pork and beans and stab wounds

In April 2009, a Louisiana man was arrested for stabbing his sixty-three-year-old brother after the two argued over a can of pork and beans. The victim was treated for multiple stab wounds to his arm and shoulder. The two men had been drinking when the fight began. Alcohol and beans-always a recipe for trouble.

What is Body Integrity Identity Disorder?

Body Integrity Identity Disorder, also known as Amputee Identity Disorder, is a psychological condition that causes sufferers to seek amputations for cosmetic reasons: they want their bodies to match the idealized image they have of themselves as amputees. Doctors are stumped as to the cause of the disorder. They continue the necessary leg work to arm themselves with the facts before they will go out on a limb and theorize about causation, as they are determined not to come up short and have their efforts cut off at the knees.

What is an Exploding Head Syndrome?

Exploding Head Syndrome is a rare phenomenon in which a person approaching deep sleep experiences a loud bang in his head that sounds like a bomb exploding or similarly loud noise. Though the event seems to originate from inside the head, it is an illusion and does no physical damage to its victim. Exploding Head Syndrome sounds a lot like a hangover.

What is Piblokto or Arctic hysteria?

Piblokto, or Arctic hysteria, is a mental disorder that affects people living in the Arctic Circle, typically Inuit women. It is marked by frenzied, disturbed behavior such as uncontrolled screaming, running wildly, or removing one's clothing in frigid weather; memory loss; seizures; and other symptoms reminiscent of epilepsy. They also drink a shitload of tequila, which doesn't help.

Capgras' delusion

People who experience Capgras' delusion are convinced that others, usually those closest to them, have been replaced by identical impostors. The condition affects both sexes, but occurs more frequently in women. Particularly when their husbands make dinner or take the kids to the park without being asked.

What is Cotard's syndrome?

People with Cotard's syndrome can suffer from a variety of delusions, which range from a belief that they are missing body parts or vital organs to thinking that they are dead, have lost their soul, or do not even exist. The illness is found mostly in individuals with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. You have to exist to be able to think you don't exist, DUH! Schizos are stupid.

What is the most shoplifted book?

The Bible is the most shoplifted book. At least the right people are getting it.

What is alien hand syndrome?

The rare neurological disorder Alien Hand Syndrome (AHS) causes the sufferer's hands to move independently, without his control over the action. People with AHS have been known to punch or choke themselves and tear at their clothing without meaning to do so, and may even need to use the healthy hand to curb the alien hand. The condition typically arises after trauma to the brain, brain surgery, or stroke. "Let's all give it up for E.T.!" {audience applauds}. That's what I thought Alien Hand Syndrome was.

What is foreign accent syndrome?

Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) is an extremely rare brain disorder that causes sufferers to speak involuntarily in a foreign accent. The illness is the result of trauma affecting the area of the brain that controls speech. I think my hillbilly cousin has this. Every once in a while he'll say something that sounds vaguely like EngliSh.

What is borderline personality disorder?

People who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) suffer from mood instability, troubled personal relationships, and an inability to control their emotions and impulses. BPD affects up to 10 percent of all patients under psychiatric care. And about 80 percent of psychiatrists giving that care.

What is chronic skin picking?

Chronic skin picking (CSP) is a serious but largely misunderstood human behavioral problem. CSP sufferers obsessively pick, scratch, and rub their skin, often in an attempt to remove small irregularities or perceived imperfections. This behavior can result in skin discoloration, scarring, or even severe tissue damage. Chronic nit-picking (CNP) is a serious but largely tolerated human behavioral problem. CNP sufferers obsessively pick, nag, harangue, and correct others, particularly spouses, children, and coworkers, often in an attempt to remove small irregularities or perceived imperfections.

What is Trichotillomania?

Trichotillomania is a behavioral disorder that makes people rip their own hair out, pulling it from the scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, and more, with bald patches as result. The condition affects as many as 9 million Americans; 90 percent of adult sufferers are women. All of them mothers, I bet.

20 mph speed limit

Purdue University researchers say most drivers have no problem exceeding the speed limit by up to 20 mph and see no risk in doing so. You know who will be glad to hear this? Sammy Hagar.

A gunshot wound and pizza delivery

A gunshot wound in his leg didn't keep a Tampa, Florida pizza delivery man from finishing his rounds in 2005. Dedication to his work compelled Thomas Stefanelli to deliver four more pizzas before calling for help after being shot in a robbery attempt. Tom came in second in the Employee Of The Year contest, edged out by a co-worker who refused bathroom access to a guy who wasn't a paying customer.

What is retired husband syndrome?

A prominent cause of divorce among older Japanese couples is "retired husband syndrome." Doctors first described the syndrome when wives began showing irritability, ulcers, rashes, and other stress symptoms when made to manage their recently retired husbands who have nothing to do but bark orders at them all day long. By the time you read this, "retired husband syndrome" will have been renamed "dead retired husband syndrome."

A mannequin husband

To fight loneliness, one Navy wife in Georgia purchased a mannequin dressed like a sailor in 2005 to stand in for her husband, who was serving at sea. The woman takes the mannequin to dinner, movies, and shopping. Okay, if your wife can replace you with a mannequin and be happy, you must be one boring motherfucker.

A woman married a dolphin

In 2006, a forty-one-year-old British woman married what she called "the love of my life": a male dolphin named Cindy. The woman had met Cindy fifteen years before and said it was "love at first sight. "I'm not sure what's more disconcerting, the marriage or the fact that someone would name a male dolphin "Cindy."

Dog chewed off her face

A French woman who survived the first face transplant in history in 2006 took up smoking again once she regained feeling in her mouth and lips. She spent months in the hospital and had umpteen surgeries after haVing half of her face chewed off by her dog while she was passed out after attempting suicide with a handful of sleeping pills. Let the woman have a damn cigarette.

David Pizer and liquid nitrogen

Multimillionaire David Pizer has arranged to freeze his body in liquid nitrogen when he dies in hopes of being brought back to life someday. Pizer has also left his entire fortune to himself. I hope he's not counting on his heirs to unfreeze him.

U.S. soldier billed for his injury

A former U.S. soldier who was wounded in Iraq was billed for his bloody body armor that was discarded as a biohazard. The man, who left the Army because of his injury, had to borrow $700 from friends to make the payment before the Army would discharge him. Oh, and thanks for serving!

The Claude Allen robbery

In 2006, Claude Allen, a former domestic policy adviser for President George Bush, was charged for stealing $5,000 worth of items from several Washington DC-area stores. It sounds worse than it was. All he stole was a coat rack from Pottery Barn and a set of bookends from Restoration Hardware.

Mt. Everest and oxygen

In 2007 a British climber reached the summit of Mt. Everest, but ran out of air during his descent. As many as forty climbers passed the dying man, unwilling to risk using up their own oxygen to help him. They'll need it in Hell.

57-year old giving birth?

In 2005, a fifty-seven-year-old woman gave birth to her own granddaughter, a baby conceived with an egg donated by her twenty-sevenyear-old daughter. Let me guess: Arkansas?

Child neglect because of online video games

A Nevada couple were charged in 2007 with child neglect after their kids became malnourished while the couple played online video games for days at a time. Their eleven-month-old's hair was so matted her head had to be shaved, and her twenty-two-month-old brother had difficulty walking due to lack of muscle development. Video games may or may not be addictive, but being an asshole certainly is.

Throwing footwear

40 percent of women admit that they have thrown footwear at a man. Women love shoes, so if she's willing to hurl one at you, you know she's pissed.

Swearing at an overflowing toilet

A woman in Pennsylvania was cited for disorderly conduct in 2008 for swearing at an overflowing toilet. The off-duty police officer who lived next door took offense at the language. If he thought the language was offensive, he should've seen what was clogging the toilet.

Man arrested for doing nothing

A New York man faced arrest in Times Square in 2004 for doing nothing. A police officer charged Matthew Jones with "disorderly conduct" because numerous pedestrians in the area had to walk around him. "Jones maintains he was simply "standing around" talking to friends. If standing around doing nothing is a crime, I know a lot of people who should be in jail.

TMJ and chest massages

A California dentist, Dr. Mark Anderson, was accused in 2007 of fondling the breasts of twenty-seven patients. Although he claimed that these "chest massages" were an effective treatment for TMJ. Anderson was later convicted of eleven counts of felony sexual battery. Now h 's working at the car wash with the other ex-dentist, presumably as a wax applicator. Wax on, wax off.

Car wash dentist

In 2004, a Syracuse, New York woman required emergency surgery and hospitalization after the bit of a dentist's drill flew off and lodged near her eye. At the time of the accident, her dentist was dancing to the song "Car Wash" on the radio. The patient later sued the dentist for more than half a million dollars. The story has a happy ending. The patient is fine and the dentist got his wish: he's working at the car wash.

A drunk pilot

A man nearly died at an airport security checkpoint in Nuremberg in 2007 after drinking a full liter of vodka rather than surrendering it before taking his flight. The man became severely impaired and had to be taken to a hospital and treated for alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately, he was one of the pilots, so the flight was delayed until someone else could be called in to take his place.

Illiterate high school teacher

A retired teacher in California admits that he taught high school for seventeen years without knowing how to read or write. Neither could his students, so it all worked out.

Domestic violence expert

In January 2008, domestic violence expert Dean Tong was arrested for assaulting his wife. This was Tong's third arrest, and his second involving domestic violence. How do you think he became an expert?

Veil and divorce

In 2008, a fifty-year-old woman from Saudi Arabia demanded a divorce in 2008 after her husband lifted her veil to view her face while she was asleep. She had concealed her face from him for thirty years. Because she looks like Jamie Farr.

Prom and arson

When Shanta Dargbeh's ex-boyfriend took someone else to the prom in 2008, the New Jersey teen set fire to his home, burning it to the ground. Nice going, Carrie. Note to self - never cross a Jersey girl.

Youngest credit card holder

Six-year-old Bennett Christiansen made headlines in 2008 when he was approved for his first credit card. Bank of America gave Christiansen a $600 credit limit even after he gave his actual birth date and listed his income truthfully as "$0" on the card application. "What's in your jammies?"

Joe The Plumber and the US Elections

In an October 2008 presidential debate, "Joe the Plumber" was mentioned twenty-six times, while more serious campaign issues like the troubled U.S. economy and Iraq were only mentioned sixteen times and six times, respectively. If only those other issues would disappear as quickly as Joe did.

Concert and urine

In 2008, drunken Jersey City, New Jersey councilman Steven Lipski was arrested in Washington, DC for urinating from a night club balcony onto concertgoers watching a Grateful Dead cover band. They're Deadheads they should be used to smelling like pee. I hope Lipski hit the band while he was at it. The only thing worse than The Dead is a Dead cover band.

Tic-Tac addiction

English teen Natalie Cooper is unable to eat anything but Tic-Tacs, and throws up anything else she tries to ingest. Cooper must be fed a special formula through a tube to her stomach in order to survive. She'd have great breath if it weren't for all the puking.

Breast implants and suicide

Women with cosmetic breast implants are three times more likely than other women to take their own lives, and are also three times as likely to die from alcohol and drug use. Why? Researchers suspect that many of these women had pre-existing body image and self-esteem issues before getting the implants. Nah, the researchers-obviously female-are just jealous of women with fabulous racks.

Fast-food killings

More fast-food employees were murdered on the job in 1998 than police officers. An average of four to five fast-food workers are killed every month, usually during robberies, as fast food is largely a cash business and most restaurants have large amounts on site at any given time. Not surprising. I want to murder an employee almost every time I eat fast food. Not for the money, though ... just on principle.

Television abuse

The TV viewing habits of millions of Americans fit the criteria for substance abuse, with numerous similar dependency symptoms, such as the inability to control viewing, using TV as a sedative, feeling lack of control while watching, angry feelings for watching too much television, and being upset when unable to watch. "I can quit anytime I-0h, look, Family Guy's on!"

Ronald Reagan and Astrology

President Ronald Reagan allowed astrologers to influence some of his decisions, including the timing of international summits, presidential announcements, and the schedule of Air Force One. I'll take astrologers over Karl Rove.

How to escape a dull conversation

Studies show that 87 percent of people fear getting trapped in dull conversations at dinner parties. If someone is boring you to tears, interrupt and ask if he would mind calling you on your cell phone. Tell him you want to check reception. When he does, and your phone rings, answer it and say: "Hello?" Then cover the mouthpiece and say to him, "I need to take this, sorry," then begin an imaginary conversation and continue it until he gets annoyed and walks away.

Depression rates

From 2005 to 2006, black Americans had higher depression rates (8.0 percent) than whites (4.8 percent). For both whites and blacks living below the poverty line, rates of depression were higher than those with higher incomes. Now we know why Navin Johnson was so bummed out in The Jerk. He was black and poor.

Common driving distractions

A 2000 survey on driving habits ranks tuning the radio as the most common distraction, with over 60 percent of drivers admitting that they do it. Other distractions noted include eating while driving (57 percent do it), and turning around to talk with passengers (56 percent). Surprisingly, only a third of drivers listed talking on a cell phone as a distraction. Because the other two thirds of cell users aren't distracted at all. They give the phone call their full attention while barreling their car through anything in the way: stop signs, yield signs, road construction crews, aging pedestrians, dogs, children, the blind, traffic cops, bicyclists, unicyclists, juggling unicyclists, mimes, midget parades, clown funerals, etc.

Eating and drinking while driving

Eating and drinking while driving is a serious problem. Most incidents occur while drivers are on their way to work. If they spill something on their work clothes, they're more likely to try to remove the stain, become distracted, and cause an accident. Hence these ridiculous wrinkle- and stain-resistant clothes that retailers are selling now. Sorry, guys, if I want a shirt that wears like a cardboard box, I'll just Scotchgard it myself.

Emotional heart attack

Studies that examined what victims of a heart attack were doing and feeling in the hours preceding the event found acute emotional stress to be a common trigger. In one study, more than half of subjects reported being very upset or under great stress in the 24 hours before their attack. But probably not as upset as they were during and after the attack.

Love addiction

Some scientists view love in terms of addiction, and they might be right. One study discovered that monogamous pairing is based in the same region of the brain as drug addiction. Losing your love can be like experiencing withdrawal. And for some, getting divorced can feel like taking ecstasy.

Ball-point pen choking?

Roughly 100 people die every year by choking on ball-point pens. Even more tragic: it's usually the only pen they have on them, so they can forget writing a quick farewell note to their loved ones as they are choking.

Teenage car accidents

More American teenagers are killed in car accidents than by any other cause, accounting for more than one in three fatalities. Risk of accident is highest in the first year that a teen drives, and increases with the number of teenage passengers in a car with an unsupervised teen driver. Risk of accident is also high in the last year that a person drives, and increases with the number of imaginary passengers in the car.

T.G.I.F's low-fat

Despite its extensive menu, chain restaurant T.G.I. Friday's only makes nutritional data available for "low-fat" dishes (under 500 calories and 10 grams of fat each). There are only three such selections on the entire menu. On the bright side, your server today is wearing 87 pieces of "flair."

Omelette Feast calories

The Omelette Feast at International House Of Pancakes contains 1,335 calories and 35 grams of saturated fat: that's one and a half times your recommended daily fat requirement and three times the suggested daily cholesterol intake. Hint: Avoid menu items that include the words feast, monster, explosion, blowout, or eat-a-palooza.

Dunkin' donuts sugar

A medium fruit-and-yogurt smoothie at Dunkin' Donuts contains four times as much sugar as a chocolate-frosted cake doughnut. Good, I'd rather have the doughnut anyway.

Low-fat calories

Many of the "low-fat" menu items at Applebee's restaurants contain over 500 calories; the "low-fat chicken quesadillas," for example, weigh in at a whopping 742 calories and 90 grams of carbohydrates per serving. Applebee's slogan: "Welcome to the neighborhood." Of people who think they are dieting but aren't.

Aussie cheese fries calories

One serving of Aussie Cheese Fries at Outback Steakhouse contains 2,900 calories - an entire day's recommended calorie intake for the average person. No worries, mate, they'll go right through ya. Cheese fries are only rented, not bought.

Is all-natural really natural?

The term "natural" (or "all-natural") has no nutritional meaning and is not defined or regulated by the FDA, so packaged goods and restaurants can use the term at will. For example, fast-food chain Arby's claims to serve "100 percent all-natural chicken," but uses artificial flavoring. Consumer food products, now made with 100 percent all-natural bullshit!

Urine and spit in food?

In 2008, a Nebraska policeman was awarded $40,000 after he sued a Taco Bell/KFC restaurant that served his family food containing an employee's urine and spit. His son was hospitalized with gastroenteritis and dehydration following the meal. The employee who contaminated the food was fined $ 100 but kept his job. If you want to hide spit or piss in food, Taco Bell and KFC are the places to do it.

Guatemalan raspberry diarrhea

A century ago, the most common foodborne diseases were typhoid fever, tuberculosis, and cholera. Today, we have a new list of food infections to worry about, including recent discoveries like cyclospora, a diarrhea-causing parasite found in Guatemalan raspberries. "Guatemalan raspberries" is also the nickname of this explosive type of diarrhea. "Start the game without me. I got the Guatemalan raspberries."

Bloody diarrhea

E. coli O157:H7 is a bacterial pathogen found in cow feces. Consuming water or food contaminated with even a tiny amount of bovine waste can lead to bloody diarrhea, abdominal cramps, temporary anemia, and kidney failure. Bloody diarrhea: because neither bloody stool nor diarrhea is enough fun on its own.

The bacteria in your poultry meat

Campylobacter is a bacteria that can cause fever, diarrhea, and abdominal cramps. Most raw poultry meat carries campylobacter, making consumption of undercooked chicken the main source for this infection. Campylobacter does not commonly cause death. But consuming it will make you beg for death.

Poultry antibiotics

Commercial livestock and poultry farmers routinely feed antibiotics to animals that are not sick to help them grow larger, or as a pre-emptive measure to make up for stressful, crowded, and unsanitary living conditions. But antibiotic overuse builds resistance to the drugs, and can lead to consumer goods contaminated with drug-resistant, disease-causing bacteria. What about the stressful, crowded, and unsanitary office conditions facing the average American worker? Companies need to start giving drugs to their employees, but not antibiotics. I mean good stuff-Xanax, Valium, Percocet, Thorazine. It would certainly make the day go by quicker.

Foie gras and gout

Overconsumption of purine-rich foods like lobster, foie gras, and liver can lead to gout, a type of arthritis. Attacks can last for weeks, and can damage joints, tendons, and other tissues. Gout has been called the "rich man's disease" because of its association with fine foods like lobster and foie gras. But, gout can also be caused by excessive alcohol use; this type is known as "poor man's gout." Those of us in the middle class are in the clear.

Synthetic growth hormone

Though banned by all European nations and Canada, the synthetic hormone rBGH (Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone) is still used by American dairy farmers to boost growth rates and increase body mass of cows, despite being linked to higher risks of breast cancer and hormonal disorders in humans who consume milk from those cows. Got cancer?

Chicken and arsenic

The well-known poison arsenic is approved by the FDA as an additive to poultry feed and given to at least 70 percent of chickens raised for consumption in the United States. Arsenic has been linked to cancer, birth defects, diabetes, and death. Worse, arsenic has almost no taste. They could at least use cyanide, which is every bit as lethal but has the flavor of delicious almonds. And who doesn't love almond chicken?

Tuna and mercury poisoning

Bluefin tuna is popular at sushi bars, but it contains high amounts of mercury. Mercury poisoning can cause fatigue, memory loss, and numbness in extremities; recent studies also suggest that mercury can increase your risk of cardiovascular disease. Do not confuse mercury poisoning with Freddie Mercury poisoning, which causes buck teeth, stage theatrics, uncontrollable porn-mustache growth, and a desire to dress like Cap'n Crunch.

Is cassava poisonous?

If not processed properly, tapioca can be toxic; it is made from cassava root, which contains a natural cyanide-like compound called linamarin. If the plant is properly dried, soaked, and baked, however, the linamarin is rendered harmless and safe for consumption. Soaked and Baked - two of my college roommates.

Poisonous chocolate

Chocolate contains the alkaloid theobromine, which in high doses can be toxic to humans, and in even small amounts can kill dogs, parrots, horses, and cats. This means that despite its name, the Kit-Kat candy bar is not a recommended snack for your kittycat. I wonder how many cats have died because of this confusion.

Poisonous fruits

Apricot, cherry, and peach pits contain cyanogenetic glycosides, which release cyanide. It would take a huge dose to kill you, but there have been reports of children in Turkey suffering from apricot seed poisoning. In case you needed another reason not to eat a peach pit. Imagine passing that thing.

Death by potato

Potatoes contain toxic compounds called glycoalkaloids that cannot be reduced in cooking. Consumption of high doses of glycoalkaloids can cause diarrhea, vomiting, and, in severe cases, death. Death by potato. Still better than death by blowfish.

Is rhubard poisonous?

Rhubarb leaves contain a high concentration of oxalate, which is poisonous in large doses. The stems contain a lower concentration of oxalate, and also act as a good laxative. Some foods were never meant for human consumption, and rhubarb is at the top of that list. The proof: it either poisons you or makes you crap your pants.

Toxins and shellfish

Because they are filter-feeders, shellfish can accumulate high levels of toxins from the algae they consume. Eat enough of them, and you could die. Lobster and shrimp: two more things I'd rather die from eating than blowfish.

The deadly blowfish

Blowfish (fugu), a delicacy in Japan and Hong Kong, contains deadly amounts of tetrodotoxin, a poison 500 times stronger than cyanide. Several diners die each year from blowfish consumption. And yet, people continue to eat it. If I'm going to die from eating something, I assure you it won 't be fish. Donuts, maybe, or bacon, but not fish.

Monosodium glutamate disguised

Think you're avoiding monosodium glutamate (MSG) by checking product labels? You could be wrong. Food makers now conceal MSG in packaged foods by listing it under other names, such as autolyzed or hydrolyzed vegetable protein, torula yeast, soy extracts, yeast extract, and protein isolate. So the next time you're at a Chinese restaurant, instead of asking for "No MSG, please," say, "No autolyzed or hydrolyzed vegetable protein, torula yeast, soy extracts, yeast extract, and protein isolate, please." And the waiter will still nod and smile as if the MSG wasn't already in the food and he could remove it even if he had any intention of doing so, which he doesn't.

Mushrooms can kill

Mushrooms can kill. The two species most commonly to blame in mushroom poisonings are the Death Cap, which contains seven toxins and can be lethal with just one bite, and the Destroying Angel, often confused for an edible white cap mushroom. Death Cap. Destroying Angel. Who names these things, Dr. Evil?

Processed meats can cause cancer

A diet high in processed meats like sausage, hot dogs, and luncheon meats increases the risk of pancreatic cancer. Chemical reactions that occur during the preparation of these meats yield carcinogens, which could be responsible for the association. Subway's fared: "I ate Subway every day for a year and lost 200 pounds. And my pancreas."

Girl Scout cookies anyone?

Prior to 2007, Girl Scout cookies were made with trans fat-filled hydrogenated oil, though most trans fat has now been removed from the recipes. Hold on, Sparky. They're still packed with sugar and saturated fat, so it 's not a good idea to down an entire box of Tagalong's in one sitting. Eventhough I have. More than once. Thin Mints, too.

A food dye that can cause cancer?

Citrus Red No.2 is often used to give Florida oranges a brighter, more appealing hue. The same dye has been banned for use in food processing because studies have shown that it causes cancer. Citrus Red No. 2 is also used at spray-on tanning spas to give customers that oh-so-life-like bright orange glow.

Food dye from beetles?

Red-colored grocery items like fruit punch and strawberry yogurt are often dyed with carmine, which is made from ground-up cochineal beetles. For some, carmine can cause severe allergic reactions and can even lead to anaphylactic shock. That's too bad, because eating ground-up beetles sounds really great otherwise.

Vegetables and pesticides

Independent studies show that bell peppers, celery, kale, carrots, lettuce, and potatoes are the vegetables most likely to expose consumers to pesticides, despite being rinsed or peeled. Bell peppers, celery, carrots, lettuce, and potatoes are also the foods most likely to expose family and friends to your lethal flatulence. Who the hell eats kale?

Dirtiest fruits

Peaches, apples, nectarines, and strawberries are among the top six "dirtiest" foods, according to investigations by the Environmental Working Group. More than 90 percent of samples of these fruits tested positive for detectable pesticides, even after being rinsed or peeled. What, that two-second splash of cold water didn't wash off all the chemicals?

Peanuts and emergency rooms

Peanut allergies afflict an estimated 4 million Americans, and can be life-threatening. Almost half of annual emergency room visits and two-thirds of deaths due to anaphylaxis are the result of peanut allergies. On the bright side, if you're a peanut allergy sufferer, you won 't have to worry about all those bug fragments and rat hair in peanut butter.

Salmons and salmon farms

Many environmentalists believe salmon farms could have a catastrophic effect on the world's wild salmon populations. Concentrations of solid-waste and nitro gens from farmed pens can poison marine life and many researchers fear that salmon farm escapees could soon overrun and decimate wild stocks. As of 1999. a million salmon had escaped from farms in Puget Sound and British Columbia alone. Although farmers use dogfish to track the escapees, most ultimately find their way to freedom. Fish that are caught are returned to the farms, where they face intense grilling over an open flame for 8-10 minutes.

When corn becomes king

Beef cattle evolved to survive on grass but are regularly fed corn, which has disastrous effects on their digestive systems, requiring a constant regimen of antibiotics to keep them healthy. The antibiotics are clearly working; cows digest things just fine. About every two to three minutes, in fact.

What is the most hazardous of all sweeteners?

Corn is in almost everything we consume. It is the primary food for the chicken, pigs, and cows we eat; the source of corn oils found in many snack foods, margarines, and baked goods; used to make high-fructose corn syrup, the most prevalent, cheapest and, some believe, most hazardous of all sweeteners; and the source of numerous food additives. As a result, corn is found in things that come out of our bodies, too. Like the one you're working on right now.

Corn is a high-carbohydrate, high-glycemic food

Long a staple of the American diet and U.S. economy, corn is a high-carbohydrate, high-glycemic food that fattens up cattle and does the same to humans who consume it in excess. If you don 't believe me, visit Nebraska.

Can you get worms from fish?

Parasitic round worms such as Anisakis simplex, frequently found in fish, can lead to anisakiasis in humans, a condition marked by severe abdominal and gastric pain, nausea, vomiting and abdominal distention, which can last for months. I think my wife's been cooking with those.

Does re-heating kill bacteria?

Bacteria multiply between temperatures of 40° and 140°F, so be careful when reheating food in slow-cookers or chafing dishes . This is good news for those who like fast-food drive-thrus-the French fries there are usually around 34°F.

Moldy cheese: Is it safe to eat?

Molds are tiny organisms with thread-like roots that burrow deep into the foods where they grow. While some molds are safe, like those used to make certain kinds of cheeses - Roquefort, Gorgonzola, Brie - most molds are unsafe for consumption, as they can contain listeria, brucella, salmonella and E. coli. Mold is also used to make Frumunda, a briny, piquant cheese from the Nether regions of Crackoslovokia.

Ladybugs and wines

In 2001, the Ontario, Canada wine region was hit b y an infestation of ladybugs, which infiltrated many area wineries. When agitated, ladybugs secrete a strong, foul liquid containing pyrazine, a flavor similar to rancid peanuts-and one that was perceptible in numerous wines of that vintage. Rancid Pinot Nair and Bugjolais, for example.

Wines' "material other than grapes"

Most wines are made from grapes harvested by machines that scythe through everything in their path, including sticks, insects, rodents, and even larger mammals, which can make their way into the end product. This is known to wine growers as MOG, or "material other than grapes." MOG also stands for "Mother of God, I think that was a hoof".

Do you eat insects?

Even when grapes are harvested by hand, some insects wind up in the pickers' baskets. Workers simply don't have time to inspect every grape individually as they work. Consider it fiber. We all need fiber.

Fining the wine

Fining is a process used by most wineries to remove particles and impurities from wine. Typical fining agents include isinglass (a collagen from sturgeon bladders) , gelatin, and ox blood. Whatever impurities are removed by fining, are they worse than fish urine, animal bones and ox blood?

Can vegetarians eat gelatin?

Vegetarians beware: many low-fat and nonfat yogurts and sweets contain gelatin, which is made from animal tendons, ligaments, and bones. You 'd think the crunching would give it away. It must be drowned out by the sound of all those vegetarians patting themselves on the back for being vegetarians.

What do office coffee mugs contain?

One in five office coffee mugs contains fecal bacteria and E. coli, which can cause diarrhea, food poisoning, and infections. Not surprising, since most office coffee tastes like shit. Related fact: Three of five office coffee mugs feature sayings that are meant to be funny but aren't, like "Bean me up, Scotty " and "No coffee, no workee."

What does your peanut butter contain?

One pound of peanut butter can contain up to 150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs. Up to 150. That means there could only be 120-130. Whew! I was almost disgusted there for a second.

Are imported foods inspected by the FDA?

Almost 99 percent of imported food is never inspected by the FDA or USDA, the two agencies responsible for protecting Americans from tainted products. They 're busy testing bottled water.

Is your bottled water pure?

According to government and industry estimates, almost 40 percent of bottled water is ordinary tap water, often with no additional treatment. "Additional treatment " = changing out the lawn hose before filling a new batch.

Do bottled water manufacturers divulge their contamination test results?

While the results of tap water contamination tests are made public, manufacturers of bottled water do not divulge their test results. Chalk it up to the protection of trade secrets. Every brand of bottled water has its own proprietary blend of pathogens, contaminants, and waste that give the product its uniquely refreshing taste.

Is your bottle drinking water tested for purity?

Bottled water is rarely tested for purity. An Environmental Working Group study found that ten popular brands were riddled with chemical pollutants and bacteria, some as high as tap water. Hey, you wanted low prices.

What does your drinking bottled water contain?

Bottled drinking water has been marketed as being cleaner and more pure than ordinary tap water, but, in a recent study, a third of bottled water showed significant chemical or bacterial contamination, including arsenic, nitrates, carcinogenic compounds, and coliform bacteria. Probably the bottom third; that kind of stuff tends to sink.