TMJ and chest massages

A California dentist, Dr. Mark Anderson, was accused in 2007 of fondling the breasts of twenty-seven patients. Although he claimed that these "chest massages" were an effective treatment for TMJ. Anderson was later convicted of eleven counts of felony sexual battery. Now h 's working at the car wash with the other ex-dentist, presumably as a wax applicator. Wax on, wax off.

Car wash dentist

In 2004, a Syracuse, New York woman required emergency surgery and hospitalization after the bit of a dentist's drill flew off and lodged near her eye. At the time of the accident, her dentist was dancing to the song "Car Wash" on the radio. The patient later sued the dentist for more than half a million dollars. The story has a happy ending. The patient is fine and the dentist got his wish: he's working at the car wash.

A drunk pilot

A man nearly died at an airport security checkpoint in Nuremberg in 2007 after drinking a full liter of vodka rather than surrendering it before taking his flight. The man became severely impaired and had to be taken to a hospital and treated for alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately, he was one of the pilots, so the flight was delayed until someone else could be called in to take his place.

Illiterate high school teacher

A retired teacher in California admits that he taught high school for seventeen years without knowing how to read or write. Neither could his students, so it all worked out.

Domestic violence expert

In January 2008, domestic violence expert Dean Tong was arrested for assaulting his wife. This was Tong's third arrest, and his second involving domestic violence. How do you think he became an expert?

Veil and divorce

In 2008, a fifty-year-old woman from Saudi Arabia demanded a divorce in 2008 after her husband lifted her veil to view her face while she was asleep. She had concealed her face from him for thirty years. Because she looks like Jamie Farr.

Prom and arson

When Shanta Dargbeh's ex-boyfriend took someone else to the prom in 2008, the New Jersey teen set fire to his home, burning it to the ground. Nice going, Carrie. Note to self - never cross a Jersey girl.

Youngest credit card holder

Six-year-old Bennett Christiansen made headlines in 2008 when he was approved for his first credit card. Bank of America gave Christiansen a $600 credit limit even after he gave his actual birth date and listed his income truthfully as "$0" on the card application. "What's in your jammies?"

Joe The Plumber and the US Elections

In an October 2008 presidential debate, "Joe the Plumber" was mentioned twenty-six times, while more serious campaign issues like the troubled U.S. economy and Iraq were only mentioned sixteen times and six times, respectively. If only those other issues would disappear as quickly as Joe did.

Concert and urine

In 2008, drunken Jersey City, New Jersey councilman Steven Lipski was arrested in Washington, DC for urinating from a night club balcony onto concertgoers watching a Grateful Dead cover band. They're Deadheads they should be used to smelling like pee. I hope Lipski hit the band while he was at it. The only thing worse than The Dead is a Dead cover band.

Tic-Tac addiction

English teen Natalie Cooper is unable to eat anything but Tic-Tacs, and throws up anything else she tries to ingest. Cooper must be fed a special formula through a tube to her stomach in order to survive. She'd have great breath if it weren't for all the puking.

Breast implants and suicide

Women with cosmetic breast implants are three times more likely than other women to take their own lives, and are also three times as likely to die from alcohol and drug use. Why? Researchers suspect that many of these women had pre-existing body image and self-esteem issues before getting the implants. Nah, the researchers-obviously female-are just jealous of women with fabulous racks.

Fast-food killings

More fast-food employees were murdered on the job in 1998 than police officers. An average of four to five fast-food workers are killed every month, usually during robberies, as fast food is largely a cash business and most restaurants have large amounts on site at any given time. Not surprising. I want to murder an employee almost every time I eat fast food. Not for the money, though ... just on principle.

Television abuse

The TV viewing habits of millions of Americans fit the criteria for substance abuse, with numerous similar dependency symptoms, such as the inability to control viewing, using TV as a sedative, feeling lack of control while watching, angry feelings for watching too much television, and being upset when unable to watch. "I can quit anytime I-0h, look, Family Guy's on!"

Ronald Reagan and Astrology

President Ronald Reagan allowed astrologers to influence some of his decisions, including the timing of international summits, presidential announcements, and the schedule of Air Force One. I'll take astrologers over Karl Rove.