How to escape a dull conversation

Studies show that 87 percent of people fear getting trapped in dull conversations at dinner parties. If someone is boring you to tears, interrupt and ask if he would mind calling you on your cell phone. Tell him you want to check reception. When he does, and your phone rings, answer it and say: "Hello?" Then cover the mouthpiece and say to him, "I need to take this, sorry," then begin an imaginary conversation and continue it until he gets annoyed and walks away.

Depression rates

From 2005 to 2006, black Americans had higher depression rates (8.0 percent) than whites (4.8 percent). For both whites and blacks living below the poverty line, rates of depression were higher than those with higher incomes. Now we know why Navin Johnson was so bummed out in The Jerk. He was black and poor.

Common driving distractions

A 2000 survey on driving habits ranks tuning the radio as the most common distraction, with over 60 percent of drivers admitting that they do it. Other distractions noted include eating while driving (57 percent do it), and turning around to talk with passengers (56 percent). Surprisingly, only a third of drivers listed talking on a cell phone as a distraction. Because the other two thirds of cell users aren't distracted at all. They give the phone call their full attention while barreling their car through anything in the way: stop signs, yield signs, road construction crews, aging pedestrians, dogs, children, the blind, traffic cops, bicyclists, unicyclists, juggling unicyclists, mimes, midget parades, clown funerals, etc.

Eating and drinking while driving

Eating and drinking while driving is a serious problem. Most incidents occur while drivers are on their way to work. If they spill something on their work clothes, they're more likely to try to remove the stain, become distracted, and cause an accident. Hence these ridiculous wrinkle- and stain-resistant clothes that retailers are selling now. Sorry, guys, if I want a shirt that wears like a cardboard box, I'll just Scotchgard it myself.

Emotional heart attack

Studies that examined what victims of a heart attack were doing and feeling in the hours preceding the event found acute emotional stress to be a common trigger. In one study, more than half of subjects reported being very upset or under great stress in the 24 hours before their attack. But probably not as upset as they were during and after the attack.

Love addiction

Some scientists view love in terms of addiction, and they might be right. One study discovered that monogamous pairing is based in the same region of the brain as drug addiction. Losing your love can be like experiencing withdrawal. And for some, getting divorced can feel like taking ecstasy.

Ball-point pen choking?

Roughly 100 people die every year by choking on ball-point pens. Even more tragic: it's usually the only pen they have on them, so they can forget writing a quick farewell note to their loved ones as they are choking.

Teenage car accidents

More American teenagers are killed in car accidents than by any other cause, accounting for more than one in three fatalities. Risk of accident is highest in the first year that a teen drives, and increases with the number of teenage passengers in a car with an unsupervised teen driver. Risk of accident is also high in the last year that a person drives, and increases with the number of imaginary passengers in the car.

T.G.I.F's low-fat

Despite its extensive menu, chain restaurant T.G.I. Friday's only makes nutritional data available for "low-fat" dishes (under 500 calories and 10 grams of fat each). There are only three such selections on the entire menu. On the bright side, your server today is wearing 87 pieces of "flair."

Omelette Feast calories

The Omelette Feast at International House Of Pancakes contains 1,335 calories and 35 grams of saturated fat: that's one and a half times your recommended daily fat requirement and three times the suggested daily cholesterol intake. Hint: Avoid menu items that include the words feast, monster, explosion, blowout, or eat-a-palooza.

Dunkin' donuts sugar

A medium fruit-and-yogurt smoothie at Dunkin' Donuts contains four times as much sugar as a chocolate-frosted cake doughnut. Good, I'd rather have the doughnut anyway.

Low-fat calories

Many of the "low-fat" menu items at Applebee's restaurants contain over 500 calories; the "low-fat chicken quesadillas," for example, weigh in at a whopping 742 calories and 90 grams of carbohydrates per serving. Applebee's slogan: "Welcome to the neighborhood." Of people who think they are dieting but aren't.

Aussie cheese fries calories

One serving of Aussie Cheese Fries at Outback Steakhouse contains 2,900 calories - an entire day's recommended calorie intake for the average person. No worries, mate, they'll go right through ya. Cheese fries are only rented, not bought.

Is all-natural really natural?

The term "natural" (or "all-natural") has no nutritional meaning and is not defined or regulated by the FDA, so packaged goods and restaurants can use the term at will. For example, fast-food chain Arby's claims to serve "100 percent all-natural chicken," but uses artificial flavoring. Consumer food products, now made with 100 percent all-natural bullshit!

Urine and spit in food?

In 2008, a Nebraska policeman was awarded $40,000 after he sued a Taco Bell/KFC restaurant that served his family food containing an employee's urine and spit. His son was hospitalized with gastroenteritis and dehydration following the meal. The employee who contaminated the food was fined $ 100 but kept his job. If you want to hide spit or piss in food, Taco Bell and KFC are the places to do it.

Guatemalan raspberry diarrhea

A century ago, the most common foodborne diseases were typhoid fever, tuberculosis, and cholera. Today, we have a new list of food infections to worry about, including recent discoveries like cyclospora, a diarrhea-causing parasite found in Guatemalan raspberries. "Guatemalan raspberries" is also the nickname of this explosive type of diarrhea. "Start the game without me. I got the Guatemalan raspberries."

Bloody diarrhea

E. coli O157:H7 is a bacterial pathogen found in cow feces. Consuming water or food contaminated with even a tiny amount of bovine waste can lead to bloody diarrhea, abdominal cramps, temporary anemia, and kidney failure. Bloody diarrhea: because neither bloody stool nor diarrhea is enough fun on its own.

The bacteria in your poultry meat

Campylobacter is a bacteria that can cause fever, diarrhea, and abdominal cramps. Most raw poultry meat carries campylobacter, making consumption of undercooked chicken the main source for this infection. Campylobacter does not commonly cause death. But consuming it will make you beg for death.

Poultry antibiotics

Commercial livestock and poultry farmers routinely feed antibiotics to animals that are not sick to help them grow larger, or as a pre-emptive measure to make up for stressful, crowded, and unsanitary living conditions. But antibiotic overuse builds resistance to the drugs, and can lead to consumer goods contaminated with drug-resistant, disease-causing bacteria. What about the stressful, crowded, and unsanitary office conditions facing the average American worker? Companies need to start giving drugs to their employees, but not antibiotics. I mean good stuff-Xanax, Valium, Percocet, Thorazine. It would certainly make the day go by quicker.

Foie gras and gout

Overconsumption of purine-rich foods like lobster, foie gras, and liver can lead to gout, a type of arthritis. Attacks can last for weeks, and can damage joints, tendons, and other tissues. Gout has been called the "rich man's disease" because of its association with fine foods like lobster and foie gras. But, gout can also be caused by excessive alcohol use; this type is known as "poor man's gout." Those of us in the middle class are in the clear.

Synthetic growth hormone

Though banned by all European nations and Canada, the synthetic hormone rBGH (Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone) is still used by American dairy farmers to boost growth rates and increase body mass of cows, despite being linked to higher risks of breast cancer and hormonal disorders in humans who consume milk from those cows. Got cancer?

Chicken and arsenic

The well-known poison arsenic is approved by the FDA as an additive to poultry feed and given to at least 70 percent of chickens raised for consumption in the United States. Arsenic has been linked to cancer, birth defects, diabetes, and death. Worse, arsenic has almost no taste. They could at least use cyanide, which is every bit as lethal but has the flavor of delicious almonds. And who doesn't love almond chicken?

Tuna and mercury poisoning

Bluefin tuna is popular at sushi bars, but it contains high amounts of mercury. Mercury poisoning can cause fatigue, memory loss, and numbness in extremities; recent studies also suggest that mercury can increase your risk of cardiovascular disease. Do not confuse mercury poisoning with Freddie Mercury poisoning, which causes buck teeth, stage theatrics, uncontrollable porn-mustache growth, and a desire to dress like Cap'n Crunch.

Is cassava poisonous?

If not processed properly, tapioca can be toxic; it is made from cassava root, which contains a natural cyanide-like compound called linamarin. If the plant is properly dried, soaked, and baked, however, the linamarin is rendered harmless and safe for consumption. Soaked and Baked - two of my college roommates.

Poisonous chocolate

Chocolate contains the alkaloid theobromine, which in high doses can be toxic to humans, and in even small amounts can kill dogs, parrots, horses, and cats. This means that despite its name, the Kit-Kat candy bar is not a recommended snack for your kittycat. I wonder how many cats have died because of this confusion.

Poisonous fruits

Apricot, cherry, and peach pits contain cyanogenetic glycosides, which release cyanide. It would take a huge dose to kill you, but there have been reports of children in Turkey suffering from apricot seed poisoning. In case you needed another reason not to eat a peach pit. Imagine passing that thing.

Death by potato

Potatoes contain toxic compounds called glycoalkaloids that cannot be reduced in cooking. Consumption of high doses of glycoalkaloids can cause diarrhea, vomiting, and, in severe cases, death. Death by potato. Still better than death by blowfish.

Is rhubard poisonous?

Rhubarb leaves contain a high concentration of oxalate, which is poisonous in large doses. The stems contain a lower concentration of oxalate, and also act as a good laxative. Some foods were never meant for human consumption, and rhubarb is at the top of that list. The proof: it either poisons you or makes you crap your pants.

Toxins and shellfish

Because they are filter-feeders, shellfish can accumulate high levels of toxins from the algae they consume. Eat enough of them, and you could die. Lobster and shrimp: two more things I'd rather die from eating than blowfish.

The deadly blowfish

Blowfish (fugu), a delicacy in Japan and Hong Kong, contains deadly amounts of tetrodotoxin, a poison 500 times stronger than cyanide. Several diners die each year from blowfish consumption. And yet, people continue to eat it. If I'm going to die from eating something, I assure you it won 't be fish. Donuts, maybe, or bacon, but not fish.

Monosodium glutamate disguised

Think you're avoiding monosodium glutamate (MSG) by checking product labels? You could be wrong. Food makers now conceal MSG in packaged foods by listing it under other names, such as autolyzed or hydrolyzed vegetable protein, torula yeast, soy extracts, yeast extract, and protein isolate. So the next time you're at a Chinese restaurant, instead of asking for "No MSG, please," say, "No autolyzed or hydrolyzed vegetable protein, torula yeast, soy extracts, yeast extract, and protein isolate, please." And the waiter will still nod and smile as if the MSG wasn't already in the food and he could remove it even if he had any intention of doing so, which he doesn't.

Mushrooms can kill

Mushrooms can kill. The two species most commonly to blame in mushroom poisonings are the Death Cap, which contains seven toxins and can be lethal with just one bite, and the Destroying Angel, often confused for an edible white cap mushroom. Death Cap. Destroying Angel. Who names these things, Dr. Evil?

Processed meats can cause cancer

A diet high in processed meats like sausage, hot dogs, and luncheon meats increases the risk of pancreatic cancer. Chemical reactions that occur during the preparation of these meats yield carcinogens, which could be responsible for the association. Subway's fared: "I ate Subway every day for a year and lost 200 pounds. And my pancreas."

Girl Scout cookies anyone?

Prior to 2007, Girl Scout cookies were made with trans fat-filled hydrogenated oil, though most trans fat has now been removed from the recipes. Hold on, Sparky. They're still packed with sugar and saturated fat, so it 's not a good idea to down an entire box of Tagalong's in one sitting. Eventhough I have. More than once. Thin Mints, too.

A food dye that can cause cancer?

Citrus Red No.2 is often used to give Florida oranges a brighter, more appealing hue. The same dye has been banned for use in food processing because studies have shown that it causes cancer. Citrus Red No. 2 is also used at spray-on tanning spas to give customers that oh-so-life-like bright orange glow.

Food dye from beetles?

Red-colored grocery items like fruit punch and strawberry yogurt are often dyed with carmine, which is made from ground-up cochineal beetles. For some, carmine can cause severe allergic reactions and can even lead to anaphylactic shock. That's too bad, because eating ground-up beetles sounds really great otherwise.

Vegetables and pesticides

Independent studies show that bell peppers, celery, kale, carrots, lettuce, and potatoes are the vegetables most likely to expose consumers to pesticides, despite being rinsed or peeled. Bell peppers, celery, carrots, lettuce, and potatoes are also the foods most likely to expose family and friends to your lethal flatulence. Who the hell eats kale?

Dirtiest fruits

Peaches, apples, nectarines, and strawberries are among the top six "dirtiest" foods, according to investigations by the Environmental Working Group. More than 90 percent of samples of these fruits tested positive for detectable pesticides, even after being rinsed or peeled. What, that two-second splash of cold water didn't wash off all the chemicals?

Peanuts and emergency rooms

Peanut allergies afflict an estimated 4 million Americans, and can be life-threatening. Almost half of annual emergency room visits and two-thirds of deaths due to anaphylaxis are the result of peanut allergies. On the bright side, if you're a peanut allergy sufferer, you won 't have to worry about all those bug fragments and rat hair in peanut butter.

Salmons and salmon farms

Many environmentalists believe salmon farms could have a catastrophic effect on the world's wild salmon populations. Concentrations of solid-waste and nitro gens from farmed pens can poison marine life and many researchers fear that salmon farm escapees could soon overrun and decimate wild stocks. As of 1999. a million salmon had escaped from farms in Puget Sound and British Columbia alone. Although farmers use dogfish to track the escapees, most ultimately find their way to freedom. Fish that are caught are returned to the farms, where they face intense grilling over an open flame for 8-10 minutes.

When corn becomes king

Beef cattle evolved to survive on grass but are regularly fed corn, which has disastrous effects on their digestive systems, requiring a constant regimen of antibiotics to keep them healthy. The antibiotics are clearly working; cows digest things just fine. About every two to three minutes, in fact.

What is the most hazardous of all sweeteners?

Corn is in almost everything we consume. It is the primary food for the chicken, pigs, and cows we eat; the source of corn oils found in many snack foods, margarines, and baked goods; used to make high-fructose corn syrup, the most prevalent, cheapest and, some believe, most hazardous of all sweeteners; and the source of numerous food additives. As a result, corn is found in things that come out of our bodies, too. Like the one you're working on right now.

Corn is a high-carbohydrate, high-glycemic food

Long a staple of the American diet and U.S. economy, corn is a high-carbohydrate, high-glycemic food that fattens up cattle and does the same to humans who consume it in excess. If you don 't believe me, visit Nebraska.

Can you get worms from fish?

Parasitic round worms such as Anisakis simplex, frequently found in fish, can lead to anisakiasis in humans, a condition marked by severe abdominal and gastric pain, nausea, vomiting and abdominal distention, which can last for months. I think my wife's been cooking with those.

Does re-heating kill bacteria?

Bacteria multiply between temperatures of 40° and 140°F, so be careful when reheating food in slow-cookers or chafing dishes . This is good news for those who like fast-food drive-thrus-the French fries there are usually around 34°F.

Moldy cheese: Is it safe to eat?

Molds are tiny organisms with thread-like roots that burrow deep into the foods where they grow. While some molds are safe, like those used to make certain kinds of cheeses - Roquefort, Gorgonzola, Brie - most molds are unsafe for consumption, as they can contain listeria, brucella, salmonella and E. coli. Mold is also used to make Frumunda, a briny, piquant cheese from the Nether regions of Crackoslovokia.

Ladybugs and wines

In 2001, the Ontario, Canada wine region was hit b y an infestation of ladybugs, which infiltrated many area wineries. When agitated, ladybugs secrete a strong, foul liquid containing pyrazine, a flavor similar to rancid peanuts-and one that was perceptible in numerous wines of that vintage. Rancid Pinot Nair and Bugjolais, for example.

Wines' "material other than grapes"

Most wines are made from grapes harvested by machines that scythe through everything in their path, including sticks, insects, rodents, and even larger mammals, which can make their way into the end product. This is known to wine growers as MOG, or "material other than grapes." MOG also stands for "Mother of God, I think that was a hoof".

Do you eat insects?

Even when grapes are harvested by hand, some insects wind up in the pickers' baskets. Workers simply don't have time to inspect every grape individually as they work. Consider it fiber. We all need fiber.

Fining the wine

Fining is a process used by most wineries to remove particles and impurities from wine. Typical fining agents include isinglass (a collagen from sturgeon bladders) , gelatin, and ox blood. Whatever impurities are removed by fining, are they worse than fish urine, animal bones and ox blood?