What is the most unsanitary part of your entire body?

There are over 700 species of bacteria that thrive in the thirty-three square inches of the average mouth, making it the most unsanitary part of your entire body. Surely the rectum runs a close second.

Human saliva's pH

Human saliva helps keep the mouth's pH balance slightly alkaline. If it didn't, the mouth would create an acidic environment that would rot away your teeth. If the acid is that strong, you won't need teeth.

How many eggs can the ovaries generate?

Though female ovaries generate almost half a million eggs, only about 400 of them will ever get the chance to be fertilized. It's like being called for jury duty, except the eggs probably don't sit there whispering to themselves, "Please don't pick me, please don't pick me."

What is a skin used to treat burn patients?

The postage stamp-sized foreskin from a circumcised baby takes just twenty-one days to grow enough skin to cover three basketball courts. Such laboratory-grown skin is used to treat burn patients. This is why you should never call a burn victim "dickhead." You could be right.

How hot is your body?

The average human body radiates enough heat in thirty minutes to boil two pints of water. But only if you're not looking. A watched body won't boil.

How dirty is your skin?

You can find 20 million microscopic animals living on a square inch of human skin. Skin sounds like Tokyo.

How far can your blood squirt?

The pressure exerted by a pumping human heart can squirt blood thirty feet. Research is limited, though, so if you ever lose a limb unexpectedly, grab a tape measure and see how far your blood squirts before you pass out and die. Don't forget to write it down, too.

How much do we grow during sleep?

We grow in our sleep, and wake up every morning about eight millimeters taller than the night before. However, we return to our former height as gravity compresses our cartilage discs back into place throughout the next day. It's like "morning wood" for the entire body.

What is the largest organ in the human body?

The skin is the largest organ in the human body, covering about twenty square feet in an adult male. It also constantly regenerates; a person sheds around forty pounds of skin in his lifetime. Some people can shed it all at once by just shaking their dandruff-ridden heads.

Boy without testosterone

If a boy is born without testosterone, his genitalia will mimic that of a female: the scrotum forms labia majora-the outer lips of a vagina-and the penis becomes a sort of clitoris. That's the guy you don 't want to tell to go fuck himself, because he might try.

How powerful is the stomach acid?

The acid in your stomach is so powerful that it can dissolve a razor blade in less than a week. You should still be careful when eating them, though.

What does the stomach lining do everyday?

The human stomach must produce a new lining every day to protect itself from its own acid. Which somehow reminds me of Groucho Marx's quote, "I don't care to belong to any club that would have me as a member."

Where do pubic lice live?

While pubic lice primarily infect pubic hair, they can also be found in thigh, chest, and facial hair, including eyelashes. How pubic lice might end up on one's face I will leave to you to deduce.

Damn if you sneeze, damn if you don't

If you sneeze hard enough, you can fracture a rib. But try to suppress a sneeze and you might rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and drop dead. If you try to suppress a fart and a sneeze at the same time, you could blow your head off like a champagne cork.

Pork and beans and stab wounds

In April 2009, a Louisiana man was arrested for stabbing his sixty-three-year-old brother after the two argued over a can of pork and beans. The victim was treated for multiple stab wounds to his arm and shoulder. The two men had been drinking when the fight began. Alcohol and beans-always a recipe for trouble.

What is Body Integrity Identity Disorder?

Body Integrity Identity Disorder, also known as Amputee Identity Disorder, is a psychological condition that causes sufferers to seek amputations for cosmetic reasons: they want their bodies to match the idealized image they have of themselves as amputees. Doctors are stumped as to the cause of the disorder. They continue the necessary leg work to arm themselves with the facts before they will go out on a limb and theorize about causation, as they are determined not to come up short and have their efforts cut off at the knees.

What is an Exploding Head Syndrome?

Exploding Head Syndrome is a rare phenomenon in which a person approaching deep sleep experiences a loud bang in his head that sounds like a bomb exploding or similarly loud noise. Though the event seems to originate from inside the head, it is an illusion and does no physical damage to its victim. Exploding Head Syndrome sounds a lot like a hangover.

What is Piblokto or Arctic hysteria?

Piblokto, or Arctic hysteria, is a mental disorder that affects people living in the Arctic Circle, typically Inuit women. It is marked by frenzied, disturbed behavior such as uncontrolled screaming, running wildly, or removing one's clothing in frigid weather; memory loss; seizures; and other symptoms reminiscent of epilepsy. They also drink a shitload of tequila, which doesn't help.

Capgras' delusion

People who experience Capgras' delusion are convinced that others, usually those closest to them, have been replaced by identical impostors. The condition affects both sexes, but occurs more frequently in women. Particularly when their husbands make dinner or take the kids to the park without being asked.

What is Cotard's syndrome?

People with Cotard's syndrome can suffer from a variety of delusions, which range from a belief that they are missing body parts or vital organs to thinking that they are dead, have lost their soul, or do not even exist. The illness is found mostly in individuals with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. You have to exist to be able to think you don't exist, DUH! Schizos are stupid.

What is the most shoplifted book?

The Bible is the most shoplifted book. At least the right people are getting it.

What is alien hand syndrome?

The rare neurological disorder Alien Hand Syndrome (AHS) causes the sufferer's hands to move independently, without his control over the action. People with AHS have been known to punch or choke themselves and tear at their clothing without meaning to do so, and may even need to use the healthy hand to curb the alien hand. The condition typically arises after trauma to the brain, brain surgery, or stroke. "Let's all give it up for E.T.!" {audience applauds}. That's what I thought Alien Hand Syndrome was.

What is foreign accent syndrome?

Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) is an extremely rare brain disorder that causes sufferers to speak involuntarily in a foreign accent. The illness is the result of trauma affecting the area of the brain that controls speech. I think my hillbilly cousin has this. Every once in a while he'll say something that sounds vaguely like EngliSh.

What is borderline personality disorder?

People who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) suffer from mood instability, troubled personal relationships, and an inability to control their emotions and impulses. BPD affects up to 10 percent of all patients under psychiatric care. And about 80 percent of psychiatrists giving that care.

What is chronic skin picking?

Chronic skin picking (CSP) is a serious but largely misunderstood human behavioral problem. CSP sufferers obsessively pick, scratch, and rub their skin, often in an attempt to remove small irregularities or perceived imperfections. This behavior can result in skin discoloration, scarring, or even severe tissue damage. Chronic nit-picking (CNP) is a serious but largely tolerated human behavioral problem. CNP sufferers obsessively pick, nag, harangue, and correct others, particularly spouses, children, and coworkers, often in an attempt to remove small irregularities or perceived imperfections.

What is Trichotillomania?

Trichotillomania is a behavioral disorder that makes people rip their own hair out, pulling it from the scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, and more, with bald patches as result. The condition affects as many as 9 million Americans; 90 percent of adult sufferers are women. All of them mothers, I bet.

20 mph speed limit

Purdue University researchers say most drivers have no problem exceeding the speed limit by up to 20 mph and see no risk in doing so. You know who will be glad to hear this? Sammy Hagar.

A gunshot wound and pizza delivery

A gunshot wound in his leg didn't keep a Tampa, Florida pizza delivery man from finishing his rounds in 2005. Dedication to his work compelled Thomas Stefanelli to deliver four more pizzas before calling for help after being shot in a robbery attempt. Tom came in second in the Employee Of The Year contest, edged out by a co-worker who refused bathroom access to a guy who wasn't a paying customer.

What is retired husband syndrome?

A prominent cause of divorce among older Japanese couples is "retired husband syndrome." Doctors first described the syndrome when wives began showing irritability, ulcers, rashes, and other stress symptoms when made to manage their recently retired husbands who have nothing to do but bark orders at them all day long. By the time you read this, "retired husband syndrome" will have been renamed "dead retired husband syndrome."

A mannequin husband

To fight loneliness, one Navy wife in Georgia purchased a mannequin dressed like a sailor in 2005 to stand in for her husband, who was serving at sea. The woman takes the mannequin to dinner, movies, and shopping. Okay, if your wife can replace you with a mannequin and be happy, you must be one boring motherfucker.

A woman married a dolphin

In 2006, a forty-one-year-old British woman married what she called "the love of my life": a male dolphin named Cindy. The woman had met Cindy fifteen years before and said it was "love at first sight. "I'm not sure what's more disconcerting, the marriage or the fact that someone would name a male dolphin "Cindy."

Dog chewed off her face

A French woman who survived the first face transplant in history in 2006 took up smoking again once she regained feeling in her mouth and lips. She spent months in the hospital and had umpteen surgeries after haVing half of her face chewed off by her dog while she was passed out after attempting suicide with a handful of sleeping pills. Let the woman have a damn cigarette.

David Pizer and liquid nitrogen

Multimillionaire David Pizer has arranged to freeze his body in liquid nitrogen when he dies in hopes of being brought back to life someday. Pizer has also left his entire fortune to himself. I hope he's not counting on his heirs to unfreeze him.

U.S. soldier billed for his injury

A former U.S. soldier who was wounded in Iraq was billed for his bloody body armor that was discarded as a biohazard. The man, who left the Army because of his injury, had to borrow $700 from friends to make the payment before the Army would discharge him. Oh, and thanks for serving!

The Claude Allen robbery

In 2006, Claude Allen, a former domestic policy adviser for President George Bush, was charged for stealing $5,000 worth of items from several Washington DC-area stores. It sounds worse than it was. All he stole was a coat rack from Pottery Barn and a set of bookends from Restoration Hardware.

Mt. Everest and oxygen

In 2007 a British climber reached the summit of Mt. Everest, but ran out of air during his descent. As many as forty climbers passed the dying man, unwilling to risk using up their own oxygen to help him. They'll need it in Hell.

57-year old giving birth?

In 2005, a fifty-seven-year-old woman gave birth to her own granddaughter, a baby conceived with an egg donated by her twenty-sevenyear-old daughter. Let me guess: Arkansas?

Child neglect because of online video games

A Nevada couple were charged in 2007 with child neglect after their kids became malnourished while the couple played online video games for days at a time. Their eleven-month-old's hair was so matted her head had to be shaved, and her twenty-two-month-old brother had difficulty walking due to lack of muscle development. Video games may or may not be addictive, but being an asshole certainly is.

Throwing footwear

40 percent of women admit that they have thrown footwear at a man. Women love shoes, so if she's willing to hurl one at you, you know she's pissed.

Swearing at an overflowing toilet

A woman in Pennsylvania was cited for disorderly conduct in 2008 for swearing at an overflowing toilet. The off-duty police officer who lived next door took offense at the language. If he thought the language was offensive, he should've seen what was clogging the toilet.

Man arrested for doing nothing

A New York man faced arrest in Times Square in 2004 for doing nothing. A police officer charged Matthew Jones with "disorderly conduct" because numerous pedestrians in the area had to walk around him. "Jones maintains he was simply "standing around" talking to friends. If standing around doing nothing is a crime, I know a lot of people who should be in jail.